Because I Love You, Idiot
by ChibiKitsuneOfEgypt
Summary: Why would you risk so much for me Hisoka?... Tsuzuki's having thoughts about his partner and it's tearing him apart. Hisoka just wants to help, but how can he when Tsuzuki hides from him? Why won't he trust him? Sequal to Drag Him Back. Yaoi


ChibiKit- Wow!!! I didn't expect so many people to actually like my story!! Thanks you guys so very, very much! I'm so happy that you guys enjoyed my take on Tsuzuki's inner dwellings. And as requested I shall continue this (grins) So please enjoy and review!

Just as a warning this part does have some P.O.V switching so please be nice. I tried my best, honest. I hope I kept everyone in character and if not please tell me, but don't be harsh.

I own nothing!

"Talking"

**'Thinking'**

_Flashback_

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Sunlight shimmered across the surface of the once dark bedroom, illuminating it with light and casting the area in a warm glow. Glorious sunbeams glittered in through the open curtains, falling upon a slumbering figure that had nestled themselves deep within a cocoon of covers, trying to stave off the coldness that came with the rising of the moon.

One of these mischievous beams suddenly fell upon a peaceful face, landing on closed eyelids and causing their owner to groan in dismay at the light that disrupted their slumber. Angrily turning away, the figured groaned once more, trying to shy away from those evil little light trails that danced around the room, threatening to force them out of bed.

Sluggishly pale eyelids fluttered opened, revealing bright glazed amethyst eyes that still held traces of sleep deep within their depths. Asato Tsuzuki slowly rose from his bed, the warm covers pulling around his waist as he sat up, muscles stretching and fluttering underneath pale skin. Rubbing at his eyes with a tired hand Tsuzuki leisurely got to his feet, tossing the bed covers away from his warm body. Standing onto his still slightly sleeping legs the brunette stretched, blinking when he found himself clad only in his boxers before a flush came to his face, his body stiffening.

_"Hisoka…."_

_A warm, sweaty palm moved over the straining, pulsating shaft, causing the thick column of flesh to twitch and jerk within his hand, leaking pre cum from the mushroom shaped head. He could feel the hot liquid dribble down his hand, slicking his palm and fingers, adding to the friction and elevating his pleasure._

_He was standing on unsteady legs, propped against the wall in his barely lit bathroom and knew they would give out at any moment, but god… if felt so good!_

_"Hi… Hisoka… ah… Nghnnn…."_

_His mind was swimming as he pictured the beautiful boy beneath him, screaming his name in that pretty boyish voice, his emerald eyes wide and glazed in pleasure, his little nails biting into the flesh of his back as he pounded away into the yielding, young, gorgeous body. His hips began to thrust into his working fist, his body seeking release while his mind supplied the fantasy, clouding his logic and ethics. _

_Shadows played across the wall from the lamp that was lit in the small bathroom, contrasting to the dark world that lie just outside. A world where all were sleeping except him. For they were not wicked like he was. They were not vile and disgusting and they did not need the release like him. _

_He was so close. He hated himself for doing this sick deed once again but his hips just wouldn't stop jerking, and his hand wouldn't stop pumping the pulsing flesh between his thighs. His brain had left him, leaving him mindless and without morals. His body was running on animal instinct; doing as it craved even while his psyche crumbled a little more with each stroke of his hand. _

_This was wrong. This was corrupt. This was all he could do to make the craving stop!!!!_

_He wanted him. Oh god how bad he wanted him. But not for sex, not for pleasure. He wanted to hold the boy in his arms and watch him sleep. He wanted to wake to the sight of emerald eyes gazing up at him. He wanted to be the boy's strength, even though he knew the boy was strong without him. _

_He wanted to be his everything. But that was asking too much. He didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve him. Not a perfect, fallen little angel. _

_Tossing his head back in rapture he finally came, screaming the name of the boy he loved so dearly, the name of the boy who had stolen his heart and had wrapped him so tightly around his little pale finger unknowingly. _

_"HISOKA!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"Damnit…" Tsuzuki whispered, his body going numb, even while his cock hardened slightly. Growling in disgust the brown haired shinigami roughly clenched his fist at his sides in rage and frustration.

He did it again….

With drowsiness and thoughts of sleep completely gone Tsuzuki moved towards the bathroom as if on autopilot, already knowing what he was going to see when he walked into the bathroom that was attached to his bedroom. It was as if this routine was second nature.

It made him want to break something.

Flipping on the light switch that rested on the wall Tsuzuki sighed in despair when the little fancy lamp that rested above the sink came on, sad amethyst eyes scanning the room miserably , taking everything in as if on reflex. His pants lie crumpled on the floor near the doorway from where he had kicked them off in his need for release. Dried cum was splattered across the bathroom floor, painting the blue tile in white. Water covered the sink counter from where he had tried to wash his arousal away last night via his face.

It hadn't worked. It never did. No amount of splashing, rubbing, or applying water to his flushed, heated features cleansed his mind of such unholy thoughts, or cleaned his body from the throbbing heat that pumped through his veins. And eventually he had given up and yielded to his desires, allowing them to take over his body and drenching his mind in lust and heat.

Just like he always did.

Sighing once more Tsuzuki wetted a wash cloth and got to work, cleaning away the mess of his sins before taking a quick shower, not allowing his mind to wander as he hurriedly washed himself.

He didn't want to think. Because thinking lead to thoughts of Hisoka and thoughts of Hisoka lead to thoughts of love, which lead to thoughts of passion, which lead to another bathroom cleaning. Which in the end lead right back to Hisoka.

After scrubbing his body down, not bothering to notice the slight pink to his skin from the temperature of the water, Tsuzuki quickly dressed and was out the door, hastily making his way to the Judgment Bureau, showing his hands into his pants pockets as he walked.

He forced his mind to blank, built his shields up and put his mask into place, preparing for the Oscar winning act he performed every day. Even after all these years, and even after the Kyoto incident, no one seemed to be able to tell that he was lying, faking, masking his pain with a cheerful smile and bright amethyst eyes.

But that was ok; he didn't want them to find out. Didn't need them to know what was bothering him. For it was his own fault and therefore he had to deal with the consequences. Who was he to think that anyone could love him? That anyone would want him.

_"I want you to live even if it's just for me!"_

He would.

_"You are human."_

No he wasn't.

_"I guarantee you that."_

Hisoka. Why didn't he see? He was too pure, too caring and young to see him for what he really was.

Looking up towards the sky Tsuzuki heaved a sigh before putting his mask back into place and quickly making his way to the office, nearly sprinting.

He was late again. Hisoka was going to kill him.

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* * *

"You're late again, Baka," Hisoka scolded, crossing his arms over his chest while glaring at the timidly smiling idiot in front of him, resisting the urge to bring his hand across the back of the elder shinigami's head. Really, how hard was it to get up on time?

"Gomen Soka, I slept in a little this morning," Tsuzuki chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head while smiling brightly at his partner, watching the way Hisoka rolled his eyes at him before sighing.

Hisoka just didn't understand. It took time to clean up dried cum off of his bathroom tiles and walls. It took time to shower and try desperately to wash away the impure desires of love and passion that seemed to consume him every time he thought about his gorgeous partner. It took time to force down the depression and self-hatred that ate away at him each time his mind pictured his partner as anything other then that, a partner. It took time to put on a concrete mask that would deceive all those around him; fooling them into believing that he was ok.

Not to mention the fact that it took a little extra time to build up his shields, hiding away his thoughts and feelings from the empath. The last thing he wanted was for Hisoka to hear his sinful thoughts or feel his disgusting emotions. The boy would never look at him the same and he'd lose the only being who truly understood him

To a certain degree.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, we have paper work to do," Hisoka sighed, choosing to drop the subject. He'd rather get to work then have to scold his partner like a mother did her children. He was the younger of the two, and yet he was the more responsible. Did anyone else think that was odd?

"Just be on time next time," Hisoka told him, glaring at the elder male before turning his head to the side, mumbling a soft "baka" not catching the saddened look Tsuzuki gave him before quickly rebuilding his mask and smiling brightly.

"Hai Soka!" Tsuzuki cried, giving his partner a crushing hug before heading off to their office, not catching the deep emerald eyes that followed him as he walked away.

_**Hisoka's P.O.V. **_

I hated when he did that. Not the touching part, since I had gotten used to that a long time ago. When you're partners with Tsuzuki physical contact is inevitable. I had gotten so used to the feel of his strong arms around me, or mine around him on rare occasions, that it seemed as if the touch between us was second nature.

No, what bothered me was the lying. Did he think I was stupid? That because he erected shield around himself that I couldn't sense him, that I wouldn't be able to tell when something was wrong with him. I didn't need my empathy to tell me something was up with my partner. I could see it all in his eyes.

He's been acting strange lately. For one his shields have gotten rather strong, and he's using them more often against me. In the beginning it was nearly unbearable to be around him since his emotions came through loud and clear, more powerful then anyone I have ever been in contact with.

But after a while I had gotten used to it, coming so far as to even enjoy the brushes against my mind from his tsunami of emotions. Tsuzuki was always so happy and bright that it was almost comforting to feel those emotions swirl around me, wrapping me within their tight embrace and showing me light that I had never seen in my short lifetime.

He had decided to work on the barriers of his mind after that incident in the Secret Document Section. His emotions hit me so hard I was winded and Tsuzuki, feeling guilty, had built barriers to block his severe emotions from me, to protect me. They were never good and he would still come through loud and clear, but it was the thought that counted.

I knew back then that Tsuzuki had his own demons to face. I could feel his darkest emotions even with his tiny shields around himself. Even though he smiled and laughed and acted like a complete moron, which I personally believe is not that much of an act, deep down he was hurting. I knew back then just like I know now. I don't need to read his emotions to see that.

After a while I began to realize that I wanted to be there for Tsuzuki. Be a person he could go to and tell his fears and concerns to, to hold him and council him, like he had done for me.

I never understood how he could be so caring towards others. Willing to throw himself into harms way to just to protect them. I thought he was moron at first, but then I began to envy him, wishing that I could do that. Wishing that I was strong enough to do that.

I didn't know how badly Tsuzuki was hurting until Kyoto, when he tried to take his and Muraki's life by using Toda. I had never been so terrified in my entire life as I watched those flames consume the building we stood in. Without thinking I had jumped into them and had clung to Tsuzuki, begging him to stay or at least allow me to die along side him.

My mouth had detached from my brain and had said what was in my heart. I didn't want him to die. I needed him. I had never needed anyone in my life and it had made me a little uneasy to think that this loud mouthed, sweet-touched, irresponsible idiot had gotten into me and had made me see that everyone needed someone to keep them grounded. And yet that didn't stop me from holding fast to him, refusing to let go even as the fire raged on and burned all around us.

I was willing to die right then and there in Tsuzuki's arms if it meant I didn't have to be alone anymore.

I had told him that his heart was the only place for me, that without him I had no home, no where to go.

_"I don't want to be alone anymore!"_

I hadn't been lying.

I didn't know what it would have been like if Tsuzuki hadn't become my partner, and I didn't want to think about it. I had thought him an imbecile in the beginning, but in those flames, I finally saw that Tsuzuki, like me, had never had anyone.

Being surrounded by people means nothing if you have no one to rely on, to put your hope and faith in. Tsuzuki like me had been shunned for what he was, what he could do, and like me it had torn him apart until he finally cracked and could take no more, choosing to accept death then to be a "murderer", a "demon" as Muraki called him.

Idiot.

I don't know what made him choose to stay but I nearly died from relief when I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close, his hoarse voice raspy in my ear.

_"Is it all right… for me… to be here…?"_

All I could do was nod my head, my voice refusing to work as I clutched Tsuzuki to me, feeling him return the gesture with just as much force, his voice choking on a sob.

I woke up in the infirmary back at the bureau some time later, unable to recall how I had gotten there. It only took me a few minutes to remember what had happened and instantly my heart had begun to race, wondering if Tsuzuki had made it back with me.

One look to the right told me he had.

I had thought that after that he would come to me from then on when things bothered him. I had thought that he would trust me with whatever was troubling him, whether it was work related or not. I had thought that we had grown closer.

I was wrong.

It had started a few months ago, a while after Kyoto. Tsuzuki had started coming to work exhausted and uneasy. He would become unfocused, more so then what was normal for him. He would space out and go off into his own little world, and then I would feel this tiny brush against my barriers. At first it was just something akin to affection and when I had snapped him out of it and had questioned him he immediately slammed his walls up, smiled brightly at me, telling me that it was nothing.

Some days later he had told me that the reason he had been acting so strange was because he was just tired. I knew he was only telling me half of the story.

A few months later it had gotten to the point where I could no longer feel Tsuzuki even as I reached out with my empathy. There was nothing there, just like when he had been possessed by Sagatanas. It scared me a little. When I had confronted him about it he had told to not worry.

_"I know how painful it is for you to feel my emotions so strongly, so I figured this would prevent me from hurting you." _

It had been a reasonable excuse and I would have believed him, except for the fact that I looked into his eyes. No I couldn't read his emotions and thoughts with his shields up so high, but that didn't mean I couldn't read his eyes.

Tsuzuki's eyes are like a portal into his soul. You can see everything he's thinking and feeling in his bright eyes. This time had been no exception.

He was hiding something from me, has been hiding something from me, and it's driving me crazy. Why can't he trust me? Why won't he trust me? Did I not prove that I cared when I raced to him in that fire, when I held onto him and was willing to die along with him?

Why?

Tsuzuki no Baka.

If he won't tell me what's bothering him then I'll just figure it out on my own. I refuse to allow this to go on any further. I won't let what happened in Kyoto happen again.

_**Normal P.O.V. **_

Walking into their shared office Hisoka took a seat at his desk and looked over to his partner who was surprisingly working on reports, filling them out in his messy hand writing. His amethyst eyes were focused on the papers before him, his bottom lip between his teeth as e tried to recall all the details of whatever case the file held.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Hisoka turned his chair towards his partner and crossed his arms, waiting for the elder shinigami to notice him. It didn't take long for a few seconds later Tsuzuki was looking up at him in confusion before bright smile filled his face.

"What's wrong Hisoka?"

"You're acting strange."

"Nani?"

Hisoka couldn't help but glare at his "innocent" partner as he bit back the insult that was on the tip of his tongue, his emerald eyes going stony as he gazed into the wide eyes of the male across from him. Everyone always said he was a temperamental person but he didn't know what they were taking about. If he had anger issues he would have already smacked the shit out of his partner for being an idiot.

"You never do paper work?"

Hisoka could feel his fingers twitch as his partner just stared at him, blinking rapidly, confusion written all over his face. Ok now he wanted to really hit the idiot.

Blinking a few more times Tsuzuki stared at his partner before chuckling and smiling, ignoring the even harsher glare that was thrown his way.

"Yeah well, we haven't gotten a lot of cases recently-"

"That's because Muraki hasn't shown up… yet," Hisoka pointed out, the name of his murderer sounding like poison on his tongue, his eyes flashing with anger.

With Muraki "missing in action" things had been a little slow around the bureau. The white haired demon hadn't shown up in a while. They hadn't heard anything from or about him since Kyoto. Both he and Tsuzuki knew the man wasn't dead. Someone had saved him, Hisoka had seen it and after telling Tsuzuki they both agreed the devil was waiting for the perfect time to strike. He hadn't given up on his quest for Tsuzuki's body and affection. They both knew that.

Hisoka was anxiously awaiting the reappearance of the man. He had a score to settle with him and he wasn't going to lose. Not this time. He wanted revenge and he was going to get it, no matter what.

It wasn't just about him anymore. The psycho had almost killed Tsuzuki and that Hisoka could never forgive.

"This is true. So I figured I might as well do something before I die of boredom."

"You're already dead."

"Soka's so mean!" Tsuzuki cried, amethyst eyes going wide as big tears welled up in his eyes, his lower lip trembling. "Soka is so mean to me!"

Not bothering to dignifying that with a response Hisoka quickly turned his chair back to his desk with a huff, choosing to ignore his sniffling partner as he grabbed a pen and began to work on his own stack of files, drowning out the whines of Tsuzuki about how "mean Soka-chan was to him," and how "Soka-chan was always bullying him."

He was not mean! And he did not bully his partner. If anything Tsuzuki deserved the daily whacks to his thick skull. Really, the guy was going on 100 years soon, you'd think he'd have grown up.

"Stop calling me that Baka and get back to work," Hisoka said flatly, not even bothering to look at his partner as he scribbled across the page, filling out the files on he desk.

"Soka's so bossy," Tsuzuki whined before turning back towards his own desk and getting back to work, mumbling softly to himself as he too filled out files in his messy, usually illegible handwriting.

Ignoring his partner's constant whining, since he was used to hearing it everyday of every week, Hisoka eventually just toned him out so he could focus on the papers before him, the sound of pens scraping against papers and Tsuzuki's soft mumbling the only sound in the room.

_**Tsuzuki's P.O.V.**_

Hisoka's so smart and responsible. He's always doing his work and acting so mature for someone his age. Unlike me who's considered the office clown and on more times then one called 'irresponsible' and a 'slacker'.

It wasn't that I couldn't do paper work. I did it before Hisoka was my partner. And it wasn't that I couldn't act mature and responsible. It was just that as I read over the reports I would remember the case. Remember that I'd yet again taken another life. I would recall the face of the soul I took as I read over the files, sadness gripping at my heart and making me feel guiltily, uneasy, and depressed.

But I would never let Hisoka know that.

He already worried about me more then I wanted him too and I didn't want him to see the real me. Not again.

I didn't want him to see the me that was scared and fragile, like that time in front of that bar in Kyoto. I can't blame all my actions on the alcohol that was in my system that night and I never want him to see me like that again.

I don't need him or the others knowing how deep my darkness was. I didn't want them to know what my sick mind could conjure up in my times of weakness and when I was feeling insecure. I didn't want them to hate or pity me.

So I acted like a happy child without a care in the world so that they couldn't see into my dark soul, into a heart that was broken beyond repair. A soul that was shattered long before I even took this dirty job. I was never ok, before or after my death.

And now as I sit here, scribbling across the paper in writing that couldn't even be considered writing, taking quick glances at my responsible, strong partner, I think that maybe it would have been better if those flames had swallowed me up back in Kyoto.

Maybe it would have been better to just have closed my eyes and allow those scorching flames to take me away. Allow them to carry me off into the world of oblivion. Where nothing would hurt anymore. Not my mind, my soul, or my heart. But I had been selfish.

I had clung onto a beautiful angel that deserved far more then the likes of me. I had wanted him, wanted him for my own. I had wanted to hold him and kiss him and keep him for myself. I had wanted to claim him, in more ways then one and not just in the physical aspect. I had wanted to love him and have him love me back. I had wanted to be happy, even just for a moment.

And so I had clung to that beautiful boy, holding onto a life I didn't deserve and that had no use for me. I had stayed and inconvenienced this beautiful angel before me all for my own selfish needs.

I'm sorry Hisoka.

I hadn't been thinking. My mind so shocked that someone had come after me. That someone had jumped into those deadly flames to save a demon like me. It had fried my brain and left my emotions bared to the world, my mask having disintegrated under the intense heat of those flames.

Or was I just that willing to die.

_"You are human, I guarantee it."_

If only you knew Hisoka. You say such sweet things, things that I long to hear but know deep in my heart aren't true. You want to save me, to make the pain go away. But why? Why would you want to save someone as dark as me? Why would you want to cure a damned soul.

_"Why would you want to save the black sheep who was forsaken by god." _

Sagatanas.

_"Both you and I are the Descendants of Darkness!"_

Katzutaka Muraki.

_"Murderer!"_

Mariko Ikaruga.

They were all right. I am a murder, a demon, a tainted sheep among the pure and innocent. The world had no use for me and so I took myself out. And now this world too has no use for me. But where can you go when you're already dead?

_**Damned. **_

That word keeps ringing in my head. Reminding me of what I am.

_"Why do you care so much about a stranger? When I was about to killed it was like you took it personally. Why are you doing this for me?"_

You asked me this soon after we became partners. Why did I save you? Why did I care? Why would I risk my life for you?

_"Why? I'm just… I'm just a…"_

I have my answer.

'_**Because I love you.' **_

_"Because you're my partner."_

But what is yours Hisoka? Why would you risk so much to save me?

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ChibiKit- well there you guys go, hope you liked it!!!!! So many people asked me to continue this and so I did. I hope it came out ok and I didn't make the characters sound retarded or anything. Please review and let me know what you think ok? Ja!


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